When Covid-19 was seemingly worsening in March of 2020, my college put restrictions upon being on grounds. Every on grounds class had moved to online by late March.

Also during this time, the lack of regular social interaction (and this worsened over the duration of Covid) was beginning to take its toll on many people I knew, especially those who were avoiding being in-public to protect friends and family. Thus, it was reasonable to conclude this was also occurring elsewhere.

Still, I had to complete my semester, as I had no intentions of quitting or dropping out; I was a junior, prepping for my final year of college.

In this semester, I had a negotiations class. And we were to meet with another person to complete a real-world negotiation; however, my college had not yet installed the possibility of online meeting via zoom, so professors could not necessarily "require" people to meet in-person nor online.

Thus, I asked my professor to write a self-negotiation. The following is that negotiation. I will not edit any of the pieces unless there is error or I feel a need to clarify negotiation terms. Otherwise, anyone who accesses the following has access to the original written document.

Ultimately, I wanted to be a psychiatrist. I wanted to help others in the mannerisms of which I had failed myself. But, seemingly naught to be, as I failed in that aspiration too. So, take the information following as you will, I am no professional or medical doctor. I am a business major at my core, and a failed doctor in my heart.

Still, I wish to help people. So, perhaps this is but a small mannerism of which I could.

And as you'll read in the disclaimer, "I simply seek to find a method to save others if possible. Furthermore, I can only hope none would ever be in a position to use this document in the future, but if I hold potential to create something to save someone, or to change the world, and I do not, then I am liable to condemnation for my inaction."

DATE: March 26, 2020

SUBJECT: The Negotiation of Saving Oneself

At the current time, it is difficult to reach out to others and meet for a theoretical negotiation. However, I understand that there are other methods of completing this assignment. Nonetheless, I thought through it, and I have decided that this option was worth the risk. While it is probable that the assignment is meant to be something completed with other people involved, I chose a form of negotiation that typically is done with only one person. This is still in line with the assignment, as the only caveat is it cannot be done with a legal guardian or parent. Moreover, I possess the stance that it is important that one is able to reason with oneself. This ideal aligns closely with self-discipline. Nevertheless, the subject chosen is that of suicide.

This is not a happy subject, but it is a subject that should be spoken about more often. It is tragic that society loses members to suicide every 40 seconds (“Suicide: one person dies every 40 seconds,” 2019). In terms of myself, I am in a good headspace at the time this is being completed. I simply seek to find a method to save others if possible. Furthermore, I can only hope none would ever be in a position to use this document in the future, but if I hold potential to create something to save someone, or to change the world, and I do not, then I am liable to condemnation for my inaction.

Suicide is a word that tends to be avoided and unspoken. In the time that it takes to read the paragraph under “SUBJECT: Self-Negotiating of Saving Oneself,” and the disclaimer, society will have lost another member to suicide. Unfortunately, a stigma of avoidance surrounds this subject; it is similar to a forest in a thick fog that none wish to traverse through. Nonetheless, the only way through a forest is through it. Thus, it is crucial to speak of this topic. People believe many common things about suicide, such as it is a selfish act, it occurs without warning, or it is inappropriate to talk about (Fuller, 2019). While the ideal that suicide may occur without warning is true, the other two beliefs are false.

Suicide, in an unfairly brief sum, requires monumental strength to achieve. I am not romanticizing the action, or condoning the action, in any form. However, people must understand that this action is not easy to accomplish, although it is not an achievement one should hold high. Accomplishing this task is not something anyone is proud of doing, but it is something that people regret attempting to obtain (Power 106 Los Angeles, 2017) or no longer possess the ability to state true feelings about it.

Therefore, it is important that every person comprehends that this action should not be something one genuinely considers. Suicide requires understanding in order to act against it.

Suicide itself carries many burdens; thus, it is difficult to assess target / aspiration points, best alternatives, and reserves. Nonetheless, these objectives will still be labeled, but carefully.

Target Point / Aspiration –
 Live the rest of life in a meaningful, happy way without aid of others. No other problems, such as alcoholism, self-abuse, drug-abuse, etc.

Best Alternative –
 There is no “best alternative” when dealing with the subject of suicide; thus, it is important for one to be able to reach the target point or the reservation. Technically, the alternative is death, but this is not the best outcome for anyone; however, in the moment of consideration of taking one’s life, it may seem to be the best alternative to living.

Reservation –
 Live, potentially in a happy or non-happy way (hopefully, to eventually reach happiness), and require receiving help from others, such as therapy, speaking with others, etc. May suffer from potential self-harm or form of abuse.

Target point & Aspiration:
This is what a person should seek to get out of a deal. In this scenario, one should be seeking to not commit suicide; moreover, should seek a meaningful and purposeful life.

Best Alternative:
In business negotiations, this is the other option provided from walking away from a deal. However, in the context of suicide, there is no "best alternative." This alternative would be the ceasing of life, which should be avoided.

Reservation:
This is a variant of the target point & aspiration. It is not exactly what was originally desired, but it proves to be enough. And while in the aforementioned reservation does not seem ideal, the value of life is still worth more than dying (in most cases when one looks to cease one's life, there are exceptions to every rule; i.e., quality of life cannot be reinstated due to natural means, such as aging, thus seek assisted suicide).

Context –
 I cannot say that I have lived a perfect life, despite the background I originally derive, and the outcome I was granted. However, I suspect that the notion of taking one’s life has come across every mind, whether serious or joking. Additionally, since the state is moving more into quarantine, I figured that I would keep myself and others safe from potential spreading. Therefore, I decided on a self-negotiation.

While choosing this option for a negotiation meant to involve other people is risky, I possess a drive to help people bridle one’s own rage and grief and weave it into strength. Ultimately, I wish to save others where I have failed myself. I realize that I am a living irony, as I do not practice what I preach; however, this does not mean I am not capable of understanding how to weave one’s unfathomable sadness into something better for oneself.

Review –
 In order to understand such a state of being, one must realize these situations differ. Suicidal people use numerous methods, such as firearms, drug overdoses, nooses, lethal heights, and other various means to end their lives. The tragic truth is that reasoning is typically blurred by negative feelings, such as depression, self-hate, mental / physical burdens, or shame; additionally, effects from substances, such as alcohol and/or drugs are typically involved. As I do not use drugs, and I do not often associate myself with drinking, I put myself in a strange position where I am only left to my thoughts. However, the mind is still a dangerous weapon that is as deadly as anything else. Yet, this weapon may be enhanced by things, such as alcohol and/or drugs.

Analysis –
 Since I cannot put myself in a true stance of one currently undergoing the process of suicide, this will be difficult to mentally grasp. Thus, it will take a form similar to a narrative of how I imagine it would go. Each part will consist of a general explanation of what may occur during the process of contemplating suicide with a corresponding negotiation tactic that one may be using at that time.

When one must negotiate a life or death scenario, in relation to suicide, it is critical to understand that the playing field is likely already stacked against oneself. Numerous factors surround the person who may lose his or her life within these upcoming moments. In relation to negotiations, these negative influences may eventually logroll into committing an action, which leaves a person with what he or she thinks is the “best alternative,” death. Therefore, it is of utmost importance to dictate the potential facts at hand.

Logrolling Negatives –
If one is under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs, then one is already suffering from a lack of mental clarity. As each of these hinders mental capability; furthermore, alcohol is arguably worse than most drugs, as it is a depressant. This greatly enhances the risk of people who already live with depression, as it gives an additional edge to those who were not originally willing to complete a suicide. On the other hand, I have no experience with drugs, so I cannot state anything about how one feels during being high or being under the influence of these substances. Still, when arguing for the life of oneself while mentally inhibited, it is simply unfavorable.

Logrolling more Negatives / Emotional Awareness –
Furthermore, emotions are likely depressed and abnormal when pondering the thought of ending one’s own life. Also, these will be enhanced if drugs and/or alcohol are involved. A person does not likely feel bliss in this moment. Often, it is a mix of chaos, calmness, even acceptance (I am certain countless emotions run through a person’s mind; however, these pages do not contain enough room to list them all). Nonetheless, the point is that one must be aware of his or her own emotions at this time. As in any negotiation, emotions are dangerous, but may play a key role. Here this is also true, as it may be the reason that someone does or does not commit suicide.

Logrolling is comparable to the snowball effect. There are things that can accumulate, or "logroll," in a negotiation that make dealing with the negotiation more difficult.

However, logrolling (in business negotiations) may be a positive thing too.

Moreover, very simple things, such as the lights being off, being alone, or even silence may play a part in these scenarios.

The lighting of a room holds great potential to affect one’s mood. Certain lighting is able to play a role by increasing alertness, such as blue-enriched light during the early night (Correa et al., 2016).

Additionally, if one is isolated, then it is inevitable that no one will be at hand to stop any action from occurring. It is likely that one would not end one’s life in front of other people. Of course, exceptions to this probability exist.

Last, silence within a room allows thoughts to be the only noise in one’s head, which may end up being lethal. While something like a television program is not going to stop a person from committing an action, at the bare minimum, it will serve as a form of noise or distraction.

These factors are similar to concessions within this moment, as they are things given up in order for one to be put into a position where the current option of suicide seems better. Yet, these are not the concessions a person wishes to be giving up at this point in time. These items move a person further away from the sought aspiration.

As mentioned in the last paragraph, the examples above are things that are given up to make suicide seem as a "best alternative."

HOWEVER... in business negotiations these are typically things that would enhance a better alternative, which, in that context, is a good thing. However, in the context of attempting to cease one's life, this is a great negative.

During this process, it is strange to think that an area exists that stops a person from attempting or committing suicide. However, such an area must exist, as many people who have attempted and/or contemplated suicide live within modern society.

It would seem evident, that the first option of an attempted suicide’s “bargaining zone” was due to failing suicide. However, an attempt may be defined as someone completing the steps to end one’s life, but ultimately not going through due to pondering the outcomes. For example, a person who wishes to end life by hanging, may find a location, tie a noose, and prepare a chair; however, if that person stops due to contemplating consequences, then the zone lies within those consequences. These may be letting down friends or family, not satisfied with this means of end, or simply a fear of death.

On the other hand, suicidal ideation is much different. As one may ponder the thought, but never takes the steps toward completing the action due to similar, or the same reasons above. I am certain that I have missed countless other reasons why people do not go through with suicide; however, the three aforementioned options of letting down friends / family, lack of life satisfaction, and fear of death, are the ones that came to mind the quickest.

This section addresses the "bargaining zone." In negotiations, this is the acceptable range of which a party is willing to accept in order to complete the deal. However, in the context of suicide, this is rather difficult to measure, as one cannot really be certain how a bargaining zone could exist for this action.

Still, I list this bargaining zone to be a failed attempt.

Ultimately, this is not an everyday or average negotiation. However, it is still a critical negotiation that one should be prepared for. When one has created a pool of negative influences while giving up potential positive influences, it is a grave position to find oneself. Thus, while difficult, it is still possible to come out reaching a reservation or target.

In this particular negotiation, the number one trap to avoid is walking away from the negotiation. In this version, the person loses life. It should be obvious that this is not the optimal outcome in any circumstance. Therefore, one must be able to acknowledge the fact one is still fighting a battle, even if greatly outmatched.

Furthermore, one must be able to control his or her own emotions with absolute power, even if under the influence of substances. This will be the hardest thing to overcome, as emotions are arguably, if not undoubtably, more powerful than logic. By allowing emotions to reign free, one sets oneself at a desolate disadvantage from the start.

However, if one is able to overcome the offer of death, opportunity and time are two things regained to an infinite degree. These two things become infinite, as an end of life would result in an end sum of zero. Yet, through persevering the self, these now are re-added to one’s being indefinitely, as any amount of something, no matter how small, will always be infinitely greater than a zero-sum of something.

This final section was supposed to be a written example of how this negotiation should work. Another difficult thing to conceptualize, thus I worked with what I could. It is probably not a great example, but at that time, it is what I could come up with.

Correa, Á., Barba, A., & Padilla, F. (2016). Light effects on behavioural performance depend on the individual state of vigilance. PLoS One, 11(11) doi:http://dx.doi.org.vortex3.uco.edu/10.1371/journal.pone.0164945

Fuller, K. (2019, September 6). NAMI. Retrieved from https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/September-2018/5-Common-Myths-About-Suicide-Debunked

[Power 106 Los Angeles]. (2017, September 13). Man Who Survived Jump From Golden Gate Bridge Shares His Story . Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ4XCNZdKfI Suicide: one person dies every 40 seconds. (2019, September 9). Retrieved from https://www.who.int/news-room/detail/09-09-2019-suicide-one-person-dies-every-40-seconds

In conclusion, I still wish to change the world in some manner. Although, it will not be in the mannerism I ultimately sought to do it in.

However, I have numerous friends that I have met through this game. And I know many of which hold hidden issues and conflicts. I only wish to attempt to provide a form of solace or comfort through this work.

Granted, probably not the greatest place to post it, but it's where I chose to start.

Obviously, this game has its share of negatives. But, to me, it has been an overall positive experience.

So, I implore, please take care of yourselves. I know many regard me as "Doom," or "Doombringer," but I can only hope that these people know that this is not my true nature.

I wish to offer my apologies on a matter of things.

1. I apologize if you find this guide offensive or misplaced. If it gets removed by reports, Valve, or otherwise, I shall not repost it.

2. I apologize if you have lost someone to suicide. I cannot fathom the enigmatic sufferance of which it brings. I wish you nothing but good fortune, and know that my heart aches for you.

3. I apologize if you have attempted to lose yourself to suicide. It breaks my heart to know that reasonable, good people accomplish this every 40 seconds. I hope you are now in a better head-space. And if you are not yet there, may it come swiftly and soon.

4. I apologize to my friend that I have lost. I should have met you in-person, but we never set plans. I know that we joked about Ice cream at 4am one night, only a 40-minute drive away, and I knew you wouldn't have minded the company.

Moreover, I regret not telling you that I loved you enough, as you said it every night after our group's gaming sessions. I hope you are in a better spot. Know that I keep your photo above my workspace, always with me in some fashion.

None of the images nor content within those images are mine, I only put the words on the wallpaper, the people in the images and owners of those images are as follows:

Dragon & Knights, Unknown
Hannibal Lecter, Thomas Harris
Crusader, Darkest Dungeon
Leper, Darkest Dungeon
Sven the Rogue Knight, Valve