Welcome to the only guide that teaches you how to truly ruin games - artfully.

You want to rank up?
Wrong place.
This is for people who professionally sabotage MM dreams.

We don’t just play badly.
We create performance art.
We are memes.
We are the reason your teammates need therapy.

My teammates watching me queue again

• Color? Something radioactive to blind teammates.
  
• Size? Enough to cover your conscience.
  
• Dynamic? Of course. It should jitter like your last brain cell.
  
• Thickness? Make it chunkier than your ego.
  
• Spread? MAX - this isn’t aim, it’s abstract art.

Bro thinks he’s playing MS Paint

• Turn footsteps off. Who needs enemy info?
  
• CS2 music volume 100% - auditory terrorism.
  
• Spotify or TikTok loops in background.
  
• Ignore bomb beeps. That’s someone else’s job.
  
• Teammates yelling? Cool soundscape.

I can’t hear anything but my own ego

• Flash? Into a teammate’s eyes. Beautiful.
  
• Smoke? On yourself. Vanish like your skill.
  
• Molotov? Under your own feet. Stay warm.
  
• HE? Onto spawn. For friendship.
  
• Type “n1” in chat after teamkill.

Fire in the hole (and everywhere else)

• Spam “EZ” while losing 0-15.
  
• Scream “A!” when they’re pushing B.
  
• Solo push with knife vs AWP. High IQ.
  
• Ignore calls. Free spirit.
  
• Give unsolicited advice with 0 kills.

Trust me bro I have 0 kills and all the answers

• Buy AWP on eco. Priorities.
  
• Armor? Nah. Pain builds character.
  
• Zeus every round - budget horror.
  
• Never drop for teammates. You’re not a bank.
  
• Beg for guns then toss them away.

I’m broke but buying AWP anyway

• Spray without control. Embrace chaos.
  
• Aim for knees. Psychological warfare.
  
• Bunny-hop while spraying. Professional rabbit cosplay.
  
• Knife only rounds vs AWPs. Assert dominance.
  
• Spray control? Mentally only.

• Sing songs instead of giving info.
  
• Tell stories from childhood mid-round.
  
• Spoil movies.
  
• Threaten to report anyone who kills you.
  
• Write in CAPS LOCK like your keyboard owes you money.

• GG after the first round. Confidence.
  
• Flame teammates - free coaching.
  
• Spam “uninstall” for any death.
  
• Report for being better than you.
  
• Uninstall the game after losing. Redownload. Repeat cycle.

✅ Forget warmups. You’re already perfect.
✅ Play on trackpad. Challenge run.
✅ Spam “ez” even at 0 kills.
✅ AFK on defuse. Zen mode.
✅ Claim “I’m new” with 3000 hours.
✅ Debate philosophy in chat mid-clutch.
✅ Offer peace treaty to enemies.
✅ “Clutch or kick” then kick yourself.

You made it here? Congrats.
You’re not a player.
You’re a cultural phenomenon.
You’re a biohazard in MM.
You don’t lose - you spread content.

✅ Do it proudly.
✅ Make sure they remember your name - with fear.
✅ Why win when you can be legendary for all the wrong reasons?

❤️ If this guide helped you ruin some games - leave a like. Let the world know there’s another genius out there.