BRO THOR AGAIN? WHAT IS THIS CRAP?

Calm down, I'm only here to soothe you. Clearly, something is missing in your life. Let me take a good look at you...

Oh dear, I've seen this before. Dozens of times, in fact. You like to play Wizard, don't you?
Quick-joined one too many sessions where Merlin was occupied by somebody else's foreign, filthy betraying fingers, hm? Their spells aren't the same, you see. The way they use them is... wrong. They even SMELL wrong.

I can help. I can show you a whole world you've never even imagined could exist.

A world of friendship.

A world of meat.

MERLIN'S BEARD AND ALSO AN ELF

What if I told you that instead of being angry with Merlin, you could still admire his sexy beard?
What if I told you that it's possible to admire Merlin's beard from brand new angles at whichever distance you please?

Select Thor.

This is your first step on the road of meat.

Even if you're hurt with his betrayal, you still love Merlin. Use this to your advantage.
Channel your feelings into a brotherly, maybe even patriachal, urge to protect him. I guess you could do the same thing for that stupid elf. You probably should. He shoots things for you.

YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND(S)

Those blaggards that stand against you would harm Merlin, and by extent, his beard.
Merlin is no pushover -- he can almost attack things if he's taken his pills. However, he can only out-beard so many foes at once, and he requires that he is not distracted.

Stand near him. Inhale his sweet dusty scent, and know that you are now responsible for his health. Oh, yeah, don't forget the elf. He needs protection too. If love doth not drive you to protect the elf let it be pity, for he is small and frail.

Sometimes, a group of mummies will approach your friend while he is busy working on removing a Summoning Stone with his magic. This is unacceptable. Smash them. Stay near Merlin and crush anything that attempts to stop Merlin from doing his work. At first, Merlin may be confused. He may turn and attempt to fight the beasts himself. Usually he figures out after a bit that you are guarding him and that he may continually focus on the most important targets at hand. Do the same for the elf, if you can bring yourself to look at his sorry excuses for biceps.

Say a prayer to meat for strength.

Now, the weapons to employ in your efforts to keep Merlin out of a coffin and in your oily, beautiful arms.

MEAT CLEAVERS AND TENDERIZERS

- DESTRUCTO-SPIN
Nothing impresses Merlin more than spinning meat. The invincibilty duration is high, but the control is low. A useful tool in situations where you are about to get bombarded by projectiles, or subject to several heavy attacks, the huge invincibility will ensure you survive to see Merlin at least once more.

Keep it in mind that you may become so mesmerized by your glorious body in its war-twirls that you can end your dance and realize that you are about to be blown up by a meteor, unable to move away in time. Avoid using the Boots of Ranadam with these weapons, as they greatly speed up your spinning, tremendously decreasing the time you are invincible and harming the main reason you probably picked up the damn thing. Chose something that can really be taken advantage of when you end up in the middle of a crowd of Merlin-haters, such as the freeze ring.

- TURBO SLAM
As a meat enthusiast, there is a time and a place for tenderizing. Warfare is no exception. The shockwaves send everything flying outwards, while a direct hit does some nice damage to your hapless target. Coincidentally, should you strike a cow with these weapons it's basically already a steak dinner.

A tricky meat to prepare, the aim is precise and requires you use a little planning before firing if you want to do serious damage. The cooldown on these is a little extreme, and you will regret missing. Be careful, and Merlin will get to take more pills tomorrow! Merlin himself cannot benefit much from the shockwave dispersing your foes, though. Use it wisely.

- DEMONIC CLEAVE
My personal favorite. Short cooldown, high damage, good range. Feel free to show off to Merlin a bit by cutting entire waves of enemies down with a single slice and staggering anything that isn't one-shot. The invincibility it offers is short, but instant and does not make you move. The cooldown is also short, though, so throwing out a Demon Cleave to save your meat from an explosion or giant orc is nothing to be afraid of.

The wave of meat energy that you project with your mighty swing travels out a fair distance, allowing you to attack through Merlin to stop something on the other side of him should it be necessary. Don't worry, the power of meat will spare him and pass harmlessly. As an added bonus, you can even hit things nearly behind you with it.

- WAR CRY
A strange but tasty meat, an acquired taste. In dire situations, you can call out to the meat spirits and they will direct attention away from Merlin's alcoholic face and towards your hardened muscles. The meat spirits' touch on your foes will hurt them a little, but not much. It causes bomb zombies to explode, so be careful if Merlin might get hurt.

This particular cleaver can be thrown, which is fantastic for allowing you to help Merlin attack things should nothing be breathing down his neck at the moment. If you somehow get distanced from him, it will come in handy then too.

It isn't without drawbacks, however. There is no invulnerability tied to this weapon, and if you cannot break your foes upon your pecs then calling them to you may get Merlin hurt in the end. Pair it with something that allows you to take care of the enemies after meating them, such as the Ring of Mirrors. The illusions will distract even more enemies from Merlin, and attack them to boot.

During your travels, you will sometimes encounter glowing blue bottles filled with marinade.
Applying these to your meat will increase its potential in incredible, delicious ways.
Here is my cookbook.

THREE SAUCES, TWO FRIENDS

- HAND GRENADES
These marinades are spicy. So spicy, in fact, that throwing a bottle filled with them onto your despicable enemies will cause them to die instantly. A good pick if Merlin is prone to panic today, and freaks out if lots of things are on screen at once. It's fast, and covers a large area. It probably will not distract Merlin with its on-screen particles and effects.

- DINNER BELL
These marinades are blessed by the meat spirits, and render onto reality what lives in your mind. Merely imagine your many foes as meat, apply some of the marinade, and it will become truth.
Use these if Merlin is aware you have them (tell him you can make food appear), and is prepared to enjoy some of the meats should he need them.

A mixed blessing in battle, it will not afford you anything in the way of damage. It may also cause the injured to abandon their posts and chase the meat (understandably so). However, you might save Merlin's life, so consider your teammates and their, erm, intelligence. Try using it outside of big battles when a few enemies approach while your party is weathered. They will love you.

- HYPERMODE
These marinades are actually just Phazon in a bottle. It glows blue and turns you into a monster, and it's safe to assume radioactivity is present in abundance. It also makes you invincible to all non-Phazon weaponry. Thankfully, none of the demons have captured any of this technology.

A good choice if Merlin has taken his pills and has his wits about him, as the effects take a while to kick in and the enemies will not begin to die immediately as they do, either. I absolutely insist you use the Boots of Ranadam at the same time as you begin your immortal rampage, as nothing can stop you from killing the entire screen at mach 5.

Doing so has allowed me to destroy 3 Summoning Stones and every enemy on the map with a single potion while being invincible. Nothing else in the game comes close to that kind of cost effectiveness, and even if you don't have a potion the boots are amazing. I also insist you use the Demonic Cleave with this setup, as the cooldown is basically non-existant with the boots active. The small window of invulnerability from the cleave attack doesn't matter while you're the size of a bus and steamrolling the universe.

The unfortunate downside to this reliance on two items at once means that if you take a second potion immediately after your first rampage ends, you will not have the boots ready. It is much less effective this way, and I honestly can't recommend the item without them. If Merlin is not allergic to displays of complete annihiliation, he will be fine.

Sometimes, you want to have a little something extra with your meat.
Maybe a potato, or a salad. Actually screw that, no salads. Just potatoes.

These things change up the dish a bit, and add some variety to your meat.
They don't outshine the meat, but the dish feels a little more rounded, y'know?

SIDE DISHES AVAILABLE TODAY

- BOOTS OF RANADAM
If you ask me, this is the best side dish you could ever ask for with meat.
A relatively low cooldown, a fantastic effect, and nearly universal usefulness. There is hardly ever a situation where you can find yourself saying, "damn, these things are so useless right now".

Combine these with the invincible war god potion effect to become a nuclear bomb. Even without that talisman, the boots have surprising defensive applications. When fully upgraded, things you stand near grind to a halt. They can hardly even begin to smell your meat before they're dead. If you don't have much health to toss around, consider using them to slow the advance of the enemy while taking potshots with demonic cleave or turbo-slam. The cooldown is sped up significantly, and the enemies will clump up as they approach you. Perfect for when Merlin is helping you fight. You knew you loved him for a reason!

- TORNADO LOCKET
Combine with destructo-spin weapons for comedic purposes. It can be used to disrupt enemies across the entire field of combat with a single cast, but it can miss and sends them flying everywhere. It makes cleanup messy, and can put Merlin in danger once everything gets back up from all sides. Use it when desperate for an opening, but you could probably pick something else to avoid ending up in desperate situations in the first place.

It does a little damage, but I'm not sure if it can destroy meat and marinades. It might also light explosive barrels, but it certainly sets off bomb zombies. Not only that, but it has a tendency to drop the exploding zombie right on Merlin. That's the exact opposite of your purpose in life.

- RING OF MIRRORS
A good choice if you feel there is too much crap all over the place and you don't want to have to hunt down every last stupid mummy. An even better choice for when you're using the axe that calls things to attack you. Enemies all walk straight into the meat blender made of you, hopelessly doomed versus four foaming maniacs with axes. It's also a good choice for screen clearing, as it's one of the few side dishes that actually directly kills things. The damage to Summon Stones is also pretty great. Be warned that the illusions are unusually fond of destroying meat and marinades. I'd keep an eye out for traitorous intent.

- FREEZE RING
If Merlin hasn't taken his pills, you might really need to just stop everything from happening for a little bit to let him think. That's where this side comes in. It has a low cooldown and instant activation time. You can pop it to stop a hit from connecting with Merlin's beard, and if you're absolutely surrounded the frozen idiots can even form a wall.

It's possible to activate it during a charge, or even while you're spinning. Charge towards a group of enemies, and freeze them from the center for maximum effectiveness. It has the added bonus of not being visually distracting to poor old Merlin, as it takes away some of the action instead of adding more. The best part is that the chill from the ring keeps your meats fresh for days. What's not to love about this frosty little miracle?

- GOLDEN FEATHER
lol just kidding

QUOTH THE MEAT, "TL;DR"

- Stand next to Merlin
- Kill things that get close to Merlin
- True friendship still exists
- Flashy effects and tactics can be distracting, consider if Merlin is pro
- Use artifacts, talismans, and weapons with awesome and useful synergy
- ^ Usually those two criteria overlap, lucky us
- ^^ Holy crap Boots of Ranadam
- Meat

ARE ANY OF YOU FOLKS THINKING OF DESSERT, OR SHALL I FETCH THE TAB?

The moral of the story is that meat is giving. Meat is never selfish, and meat is always willing to take a punch in the jaw for love.

It is up to you, my apostles, to carry this torch with which to light the propane grill of eternal happiness. Even if you cannot have what you want (Merlin), you are content to be around him. You are content to help him live his life, and take his pills, and to continue smelling faintly of mothballs and fast food. These are the things that make Merlin who he is, and that is why they are precious.

No matter how oily your pecs are, nobody will appreciate them if they are self-centered pecs. Instead, find your center, and wrap it in steak.

I think there was an elf around here at some point, but now I only see Merlin and a skeleton that looks like it belonged to a wuss. He must have ran off like the little weiner he is. Oh well.

Meat on.