Location: The narration after the first shootout in the docks.

Original: The dock seems almost too quite after the ringing of gunfire fades from your ears.

Fix: The dock seems almost too quiet after the ringing of gunfire fades from your ears.

Know it is not your format but I just did a play through and wrote down as many mistakes as I could. So this is pretty much a straight line from start to finish.

I.
7th street scene

Odd capital usage.

"I Lost" instead of "I lost..." and "the ♥♥♥♥" instead of "the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥" or "the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥..."

II.
Cab driver

A. "there is plenty of ass and boose nearby" instead of "is nearby"

B. "Can't I get a break."

III.
Club

Bouncer "Hey there Davis." you forgot a period.

Bartender:
1. Bourbon not burbon, and "Gotcha, a hard drink..." sounds proper over "hard drink"
2. $50 drink: "...there ain't a Star..."
3. Beer: "What, just one?" instead of "what just one?"
4. alone: "...the bills, so call..."
5.info: "... right now. Come back later..."

You have a Mens Room and a Girls Room. First it would be Men's or Girl's, but as you call one Men's the other would be the Ladies' Room.

IV.
Bedroom

Bed: "I can't sleep right now. The music..."

Journal:
Jan 3: "...just got a call from a Well Jacko..." - is this missing a name?
Mar 13 "...I'll pay..."
Sep 1 "My debt..." and "It's straight" (It's for it is or it has.)
Oct 27 "... gang war. They are..."

Game: "...in games aren't everything."

V. Bar-Jacko

"Jacko, it's been..."

"So let's get a table..."

You mean "tough" when you spell "though." At least the sentence reads as tough.

VI. Van

"We left..." instead of "We Left..."

Dax and Jacko say Decker and decker. I think you use the Decker.

VII. Matrix
In the second node you have shiiping where it should be "shipping."

VIII. Shootout

"It's about time." However as you use "bout" I do not think proper grammer is needed for it's, so maybe "bout time!"

Awsome, thanks allot, most of the time that im writting this stiff its like 4:00 am and I see code better then english :P

Not a problem.

Not sure if this is what you wanted but eh, take it out of my pay ...
Went ahead and went over your text on another playthrough (just as good the second time btw), found a metric sh_t ton of errors.

I'm getting old, and frankly don't give a sh_t much anymore, but you have a very rare talent for conveying a deeply engaging story very succinctly. You trust the intelligence of your reader to fill in what is neccessary without excessive verbosity, very much unlike myself and most of the hacks in this world. This is a talent, nurture it. So here's a bit of my time, as thanks for restoring my hope in user generated content. Haven't really felt inspired by it in over a decade. Sorry in advance if anything comes across nasty, can't help it, I mean well, honest.


1. Capitalization rules: Google it, read a quick page. Easy stuff. Fifteen minutes, maybe thirty given osmosis, that will serve you the rest of your life. Capitalization is NOT for emphasis... in formal writing.

This from a dipsh_t who, when he was a teenager, thought it best to capitalize Every Single Word He Wrote in BBS forums... yeah.

2. You have a penchant for ellipses (...) Consider finding places where a comma would better serve. Use them as you would a period might be a good rule of thumb, or hit the wiki for a more detailed understanding. Your overuse actually makes it hard to express dramatic pause when you genuinely need to.

------

Every single error I found: Not comprehensive, just a runthrough.

Journal-

Jan 3- There is a snippet of text there that was clearly meant for the wastebin. The entry starts with: "Hey buddy just got a call..." then goes on to something else midsentence.

Mar 3- Forgot to capitalize I in "I'll". You may want to toss a comma in there after "no".

Sept 1- Neither "debt" nor "nuyen" should be capitalized, neither are titles or proper names, nor do they start a sentence.

New entry- "Nuyen" (cap.)

Jacko- (in bar)

Intro text- Nuyen again.

"crips"- I think you're trying to say cripes as in the euphemism for Christ as a curse word, but in a slightly less Jewish fashion? (long i? you'll need that e) Unless you're referring to the c. 1980's street gang, then it would be Crips. (proper noun)

Text starting with "No way!": again Nuyen.

The word decker capitalized, unless he's referring to someone named Decker, which he is not, it shouldn't be.

"Oh and before we go..." comma missing. "Oh, and before we go..."

Now there are many instances here of colloquial speech. You have much, much more freedom within the confines of quotation marks, but your errors are not universally confined to that space on a per character basis. This could leave the impression that they are not the character's errors, but rather the writer's. Punctuation and capitalization are always the writer's error. Usually spelling as well, unless it's to indicate a pronunciation error.

For instance and as an exception, you're completely safe to screw up whatever you want within the confines of that journal. You didn't f_ck it up, he did. Right? I do however find typos to be a big stretch from a man in a trade where one bad keystroke means days of bug hunting if he wants to eat.

In van-

Rhino- "After that Dex and I..." missing comma "After that, Dex and I..."
Capitalized "cyber", not proper noun, title or beginning of sentence.

Jacko- "Protect your a_s(.)" missing period

Rhino- "The Lonestar"
It appears that in your mind you've simply replaced the word "lonestar" with "police" or "cops". Lonestar is a proper noun. It's as if he said "The Joseph went down to the quickie mart." We don't say "The Microsoft" for example, Lonestar is a corporate entity, singular proper noun.
Apologies but my understanding of this rule is not strong enough for me to articulate it better, hopefully you get the gist.

This is colloquial so it may just be an attribute of this character's speech, but I recall seeing two instances of this and I'm not certain they were both from him. In any event, unless he lives under a rock I'd imagine he'd pick up social cues from hearing the word used by others and responses to his improper use. But it is a rather endearing character attribute. I'd love to see Dax snap a bit and give him a grammar lesson in the lull before a run sometime, it'd be a hoot. (Her grammar needs some desperate work too, but who plays the grammar nazi if not the least equipped to do so? Art follows life follows art.) If you run with this, remember, less is more with these things, one quirk of this nature is probably plenty.

"It's not THE Lonestar, you lumphead, It's just Lonestar!" Then he keeps on doing it in later episodes, and Dax rolls her eyes. An ongoing in-joke to foster the player's sense of familiarity if you will. Let him screw up later on, have her grab him by the horns and shake his head: "Nice move Lumpy, now you've got The Lonestar on us" ...dripping with sarcasm. So on... "You know...? I really don't like it when you call me that."
Ok, I'll quit now. See... verbosity.

Jacko- "We're here..." and "Sure..."
I've made a notation that a comma instead of ellipsis would better serve these comments. Got a little sloppy in my shorthand there, sorry. Hope that's what I meant.

Matrix scene-

Jacko- "yea" I think you mean "yeah" Two completely different meanings to these words. A comma rather than an ellipse again. "Allot" should be "a lot", again two very different words. There are more instances of yea to correct in the following text as well.

I'd suggest taking a moment to look up and understand both definitions of each error. I noted that you did it again in a forum response here. Cull this error from yourself permanently with ten minutes of dictionary.

Dax- There is a double space at "unplug__him". The word "out" does not need to be present in this sentence unless you are trying to convey that this person lives in a trailer.

node- "The Crixus Shipment is Classified." Are they stealing a novel? This has been wrtitten as one would write the title of a book or film. If so, no period is required. If not: "The Crixus shipment is classified." is how it should look.

after matrix-

Dax- ..."and a troll.." missed a period on your ellipsis there.
This is where the overuse came back and hit you. You may consider adding and additional blank line between "Hush...." and her final "Sh_t." to better express the dramatic pause. Or, as I suggested throughout, cull the other ellipses from your writing a bit.

Anyway, thanks again for the best thirty minutes of SR I've played yet. I'd personally like to see really slow karma gains as this story progresses. Keep it down to earth. Your writing is reward enough, you don't need to pad it. As SR characters advance they get really hard to balance for in my limited experience. Keeping it light as long as possible keeps a lot of ease of creative control in your levels imo. You've already established his decker role, which should help immensely, build cues with stat checks in chat, all good. You're on it, just throwing that out there.

Yeah, take care and good luck.

Sorry i capatalized game terms incause others are not aware of specific terminology, perhaps that was wrong of me, if so i will adjust.

examples,
Nuyen, (money)
Shirt, (white colar buisness man)
Bogger, (Robot)

I also have a habit of hitting my shift key allot when typing :P not so much in hand writting lol

Btw, thanks to everyone who takes the effort to help proof read my material, it is really helpful to me to have some extra eyes on the project.

For future dialogue I plan to create ediable cloud spreadsheets, to make the process easier on both my self and anyone withing to aid in the project.

Not sure if you need this but

http://www.intercom.net/user/logan1/glossary.htm

This is just a big list of SR slang.

What I notice is that you have a voice for some, but you are still writing "proper" with such a voice.

Like for Rhino "Bout time you showed up" you could really make him have more slang to his speech or even try an accent to it "Bout time y'all showed." Means the sames but it really makes a difference in the characters.

Originally posted by Taloswind:

Sorry i capatalized game terms incause others are not aware of specific terminology, perhaps that was wrong of me, if so i will adjust.

No need to justify to me buddy. Take it or leave it, there it is.

incause - in case
allot - a lot

Tossing my grammar nazi hat out now, it's all you.

Edit: B_tchin' on the cloud sheets bit. Maybe I'll hang around.

Once more linear play through...

7th: N/A
Driver: N/A
Bouncer: N/A

Celes: "[10 nuyen] Burbon" it is spelled bourbon.
[alone] "the bills,so call" need a space.

DWARF: N/A
ROOM: N/A

JACKO: "..table and sit down" you need a period.
"A Pistol?" should be "A pistol?"

VAN: N/A
Shoot1: N/A
Matrix: N/A
Shoot2: N/A

VAN2: Rhino "I an't talking to you" should be "I ain't talking"
Davis: "I don't get it.." extra period.

HIDEOUT:
Dax "...hows it going Davis?" = "how's"
Rhino 3. "I Don't know..." = "don't"
Jacko "take care of your dept" = "debt"
"opertunity" = "opportunity"

MATRIX: Neutral turns occured?
Rhino "heating up. Here try using these."

HIDEOUT:
Jacko "So, this is CRIXUS..."
"doesnt get nuyen..." = "doesn't"
Davis "is it..." - "Is it..."
Jacko: "in a mater of hours..." = "matter"
Dax: "...he needs and halloween..." = "Halloween"
Rhino: "...when your ready." ="you're ready"

HALLOWEEN:
Troll: "Watcha be doin ere" = "Watcha be doin' 'ere?"
1. "im here" = "I'm here"
2. N/A
3. "nothing I was..." ="Nothing, I was..."

And then Davis died so I stopped playing.

The hideout messages will be completely rewritten when I get back I hashed that out in a few minutes before I left cause I forgot to write the dialogue. If steam lets me ill see if I can extract the game editor an file to clean up some of the text while I'm away... If not sorry :(

In the van after the first run at the docks:

Jacko says: "[...]First run and the gid[...]"

Perhaps that was supposed to be "kid" not "gid"?

Still in the van, Jacko later on says, "I think your blowing[...]"

That should be "you're"

Rhino then says, "Shut up, Jacko, I an't"

"ain't" perhaps?

Davis: "I don't get it.. what"

Three dots in an ellipsis.

Dax: "Jacko this is your doing"

There should be a comma after the name.

Jacko: "Its much better then"

"It's much better than" (apostrophe and "than")

Consider writing the text in Word or some other word processor first, so you can spellcheck. :)

Ugh. So many typos. Feel ashamed lol. Thanks for the work you guys are putting in. When I get back I will put all of my effort into applying changes to clean up text as well as create a cloud community of anyone who wants aid in future proof reading.

Anyone wishing to take part in the could project please create/pm me a gmail address and I will add you to the folder.

How this cloud will work is I will use a spreadsheet for formatting with text boxes. Once the template is complete I will write/ place a copy of future dialogues into a shared folder where anyone of this group can access/ edit once its been signed off on I will add the content to the game.

I think this will make for easier editing as well as cleaner content on upload.

You seem to have cleaned up a ton of these! Could only find one place that said "better then" instead of "better than"... but then I don't remember where. Must be the good story telling, I couldn't stop to note it down!